Forgive me Father for I have sinned. It has been 159 days since my last confession/blog. I have thought of you often and talked to you but posting has not been a part of my reality. Life has taken hold of me and I do not know where to start. I believe you know my heart so I will start from now. (I am not Catholic, but you get the drift.)
I nearly died in May from pneumonia. I lost my beloved daughter in June. Rested in Oak Bluffs, Martha's Vineyard after her memorial. I nearly died from a blood infection in July/August. My car had a disagreement with a tree in August and lost. (It was a total loss.) I took my first family vacation post-Siwe in August and cried a LOT. Took my meds and slept in the sun a lot too. (Got a great tan! Yes, I used sunblock. Thanks for caring.) Moved my son into the McDaniel College freshman boys dorm end of August. Went to the Kankouran 2011 Conference in DC, remembered when I danced with Siwe tied on my back. September Eric started 8th grade and turned 14. We celebrated his life in VT & NYC. Had a few days in my wrecked house without any children. Went to a wedding in Martha's Vineyard. Flurries of events. Smiles. Tears. Pictures. Videos. Illnesses. Hospital stays. Car accidents. Car insurance drama. Car repairs. Car rentals. Zipcars. Sleep. Meds. Therapy. Dance. Meditation. Yoga. Purging. Cleansing.
The loss of my daughter has changed me in so many ways. I am adjusting to my new norm. Life with my "boys." I have consoled so many people since Siwe's death. Talked and journaled about her death and how I am coping. I grieved her death from her first suicide attempt and was still shocked in the hospital when I was told she died.
From my grieving process, I have birthed/co-created a seminar that will continue my healing process and support others in theirs. Maybe I will see you there.
I smile. I laugh. I cry. I sleep. I allow myself to be where I am emotionally at any point in time. I thank her for that gift. I cannot fake or cover my emotions any longer. #SiweLives. We did a community walk with the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention. I will do the Overnight in 2012. I create, I work and I walk through my grief. I walk toward myself...
I am the light at the end of my tunnel. There I stand with my arms wide open. A vision of unconditional love.
I am living my life