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Journal Entry

Grief is a personal process. These are a few recent pages of my journey with and through it.

"Tuesday 2/25/2014 1:30pm SFO-JFK
Reading American Way. A great article about the Sonny Liston vs. Cassius Clay fight. I was smiling. The sun was shining at me through the window. I turned the page saw...


Grief hit me like a wave... a tidal wave... a monsoon...
SIWE loved puzzles. NO. You don't understand LOVED puzzles. And math, well math was another passion of hers and the combination of the two was SUDOKU. I closed my eyes. I love you Siwe.
I try to breath. I hear voices of the airline stewards, "Trash?" I try to open my eyes but cannot. I NEED my sunglasses. (Funny I almost threw them away today. Silly me.) Even as I write this I am wearing them, big black Jackie O. dark black sunglasses that say, "I want to be alone, I just want to be alone."
Seat 28HAisle seatEmpty window seat next to me. I look out at the wing and remember the Twilight Zone episode with William Shatner.
When grief hits it hits hard. SO glad I always have my tool kit prepared!
Movie playing Last Vegas

This whole trip was about Siwe. Today at 11:11am I said, "I love you Siwe." Sunday, as i traveled to San Francisco, I lost her gloves. The last pair she bought. I told myself I have to let go... they were only gloves.
I remember... she LOVED flights... I used to love flying. I started flights with American Airlines to St. Thomas at 4 or 5 years old. I loved window seats and loved flying too. When did that change? On this flight I reconnect to the joy, wonder and awe connecting to flying.
Sometimes grief is a game changer.
Last Vegas ends
M A R Y leaves for Hawaii on March 4th.
Tears are back! *internal scream*
It was like a L O N G pause. I will just keep breathing until this wave passes."

My conscious observer was very active in that particular experience. I used to love flying and window seats too. I wonder... when did that change? I am good. I am happy... until I am not. However, I still choose to experience it all INjoy. #siwelives



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